Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
