gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize