Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
