There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
