I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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