just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
