My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
