Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
