Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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