In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
