I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize