Tell her she can't have a vagina
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
