dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
