Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
