Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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