this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
