i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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