Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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