some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
