Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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