remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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