I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
