tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
