her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
