Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
