Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
