I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
