I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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