That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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