I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hippo gnu deer
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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