He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
