I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
