I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
