Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
