Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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