"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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