i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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