All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
