never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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