I think im going to throw up on grandma
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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