best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
