I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
