my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
