Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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