so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
