You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.