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This is not my ceiling
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
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