not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
