new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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