how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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