a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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