and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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