my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
