I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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