I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
