I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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