We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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