she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
