Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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