we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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