Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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