she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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