actually, I'm a sock model
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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