the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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