her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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