My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
