I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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