if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
